Posts Listings

  • Peace and The Storm

    “I saw her today at the reception
    A glass of wine in her hand
    I knew she would meet her connection
    At her feet was a footloose man
    No, you can’t always get what you want
    You can’t always get what you want
    You can’t always get what you want
    But if you try sometime you find
    You get what you need”

    From ‘You can’t always get what you want’

    By The Rolling Stones

    Peace comes after a storm, as much as before. Once the scars are healing and we can look around the battle field and survey our failures. Once we find our routines have taken us along a few weeks and we are thinking of the fight less, if at all. Then we can remember the storm, by choice, as that which happened to us and we happened to do. So it is, and so it shall always be.


    There are times when you want, when you want something with an inescapable unavoidable and manageable want. But it all passes, and we once again learn the lessons that are taught by passing time. Such as the important difference between emotional intensity and emotional depth. Feeling something intensely does not make that feeling deep, or meaningful. And the intensity of your feeling toward someone does not make them special or important. Often, when you are attacked by an intensity of feeling toward someone, it is much more about you than it is them. Intensity may transfer into depth, but it really does not require it.


    I have been, as you know,  preparing for winter. Going down the route of some sort of wood pellet burner. I’ve been considering going out further into the world of biomass though. I just have this desire now, a desire to prepare, a desire to look forward, a desire to survive and be aware of my surviving. I’m not planning on leaving the grid and becoming some hermit in a forest somewhere because I feel weak and vulnerable and fear dependence.


    Back again?

    I just want to feel that, at least partially, I am surviving independently. So I began doing further research into biomass and stumbled upon Here I found many forums with people descusing sustainability, self-sufficiency and biomass. But I sensed in many conversations that were also sharing something else. We were sharing in a common reality and a common experience and purpose. We had all come to be here because we wanted to change, we wanted to change our enviroment, we wanted to take control of something bigger than us. And in doing so attempt some control over ourselves. If you can give your self a gift. If you can create something for yourself. Why can’t you then give yourself happiness? Why can’t you create happiness for yourself?


    Why can’t you indeed.

  • Wood Pellets Are All I Want To Write About Now For Some Reason

    The world is dying. It is dying partially because of the infectious virus that lives on it. That infectious virus is called humanity. We are killing the earth. We are murderers. Murderers of our mother. Mother Earth. Why did we kill mother earth? Because we were just to busy to care and just to greedy to be stopped. But we need to care. And we need to stop. NOW.


    Because trees.

    The fight for a more sustainable mode of energy production goes on and on. But still these crackers want to be frackers! Why would you want to frack? We all know that there are potentially incredibly dangerous consequences of fracking. Yet these crackers just really, really want to be frackers! Me, I say be the change you want to see in the world. And if the change you want to see in the world involves more renewable energy then that means more renewable energy in the home!



    Because Ghandi.

    So I’ve been trying to do just that by getting a wood pellet burner and making my first bulk order of wood pellets from the lovely people at I say lovely people because they are doing good work and doing it with a good attitude. The drive for more renewable and sustainable energy is best pushed forward by those who attempt to set up shop and get something going. Enterprise and environment are not necessarily enemies. Those who can make a sustainable business out of sustainable energy are too be encouraged. The more that is done on this side of the state/non-state divide the more pressure it puts on the government to stand up and be counted. Not something they are ever particularly keen on doing.


    Because Cameron.

    Spineless, worthless, useless. You have no idea how much sadness I feel when I look at that face. It’s the face of complete failure. We have to struggle on in the face of that… face.

    That bloody face.



    Because Lizard.

  • I Don’t Understand.

    As you age you find a lot of things fall and fail. Your skin and you spirit can fall. You fail to feel part of the world. We are so obsessed with youth here I feel. The youth are the future, the youth are the creators. Young people get to create. Create themselves. Create the world. Create the future. They are still making themselves, that is the key. They are still becoming. They are not set. Then at some age you are suddenly expected to exist be set. You are no longer approaching the world, you are part of it. Is that fair? Is that right? Is that in anyway a representation of reality? I don’t think so, anyone is ever set, I don’t think we stop changing and developing, we are just expected to, so we pretend to. And as with all things, if we pretend to do something for long enough we can sometimes forget we are pretending, forget that the world is wrong and it is what is inside us that is real. We start to think what inside us is wrong.

    But what’s inside you is not wrong.


    These feelings creep on you, they do not suddenly leap up, they slip into your thinking slowly but surely. One day your anxieties and worries about what your life will become just seem a little silly, they feel like they have just been around for a bit too long. It becomes clear that your anxieties are not a journey, they are not really a stepping stone or a necessity, they are just a thing.  A seemingly permanent but probably useless thing.

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    A seemingly permanent but probably useless thing.

    Permanence, however, can often masquerade as importance. The longer something has been the more integral it feels to all else that surrounds it. If we pull down the monarchy maybe the whole nationhood will collapse in on itself! If we reform institutions the world will fall apart! If I solve my problems, my anxieties and insecurities, if I stop my mood swings and my panics, which have been with me all this time, I’ll lose my creativity, I’ll lose my interest, I’ll lose my personality. I’ll lose it all.


    You know, I’ve heard plenty of people talk about this fear. Almost all of them talk about it in the past tense and talk about how they found it was nonsense. When they got over their issues with this or that drug or this or that compulsive thought or behavior they came out on the other side with their creativity and their personality intact. But I guess, maybe, the ones that lost it wouldn’t be talking would they? They wouldn’t be being interviewed about their great creativity if they’d lost it. You don’t really interview the failures.

    Maybe we should. That would be a more realistic picture of the world.

    Interview the failures. Talk to the failures. Admit the failures.

  • Domestic Bliss…

    I don’t like to dwell that much on the difference between men and women. As I’ve got older it seems that the world is slowly attempting to drag itself into the reality that Men and Women are not really programmed to be that differently, we just have a world that pushes them apart. The world we grow up in seems to demand that we end up opposites. These opposites have a purpose, they are a system of organisation for a (supposedly/hopefully) functioning society. Men are given a role and women are given a role. It’s one way to organise a world, and it’s a deeply flawed way. The anchor for all its flaws is the aggressively enforced idea that these different roles are somehow biological and inherent. That women are born predisposed to servitude and an obsession with shoes and hair and men are born with a deep yearning for power, war and sex with people they don’t like. None of this is true. All of this is sad.

    edam and ave

    Adam and Eve. Proscribed Gender norms in scripture.

    Having said all that, as we do live in a world which trains us differently from childhood because of our gender we do end up as adults having different skills. I, for instance, am not much good at keeping the house clean and tidy whenever Daisy leaves town. So when I know that she’ll soon be back, I have to suddenly go into overdrive on cleaning the house. But, luckily, I’ve found one big short cut…

    Get Help! 

    Yes, that’s right, get help. That’s the big secret. So far this week I’ve hired a multitude of people to come in and help me out. First I got an eco-cleaning fairy (not too sure about the name there) to come in and give the house a one over in a green and efficient way. They were great people, enthusiastic and effective. Then I contacted Ovenu oven cleaning service who came in and gave the oven, which I thought I was going to have to replace, a once over that left it looking good as new. Then, last but not least, I got Gary from the Cross’s to come over and spruce the garden up. I may have, in a sense, sat around all day chatting with these people, drinking tea and doing nothing of good use. But I got the help in and I made it happen, so I guess there’s some virtue there.

    So now I’m sitting in domestic bliss, I hope she likes it!

  • Driving Miss Daisy

    Been busy overt here lately, I’ve been driving all over the shop, I’ll be heading down Doncaster way to pick my beautiful Miss Daisy up at the airport they got up there next week. It’s a little tradition we have now when she’s going away for work: I take her up to Liverpool Airport when she’s on her way out. I park up and walk her over to the terminal and wave her away. I love waving her away, I never used to be able to do it because the parking was so bloody dear. But I’ve been checking this Liverpool Airport car parking website thing recently and I’ve saved a pretty penny. I’m not one for getting all excited about the latest gismo, but I know that its worked for me. So there you go. You gotta show appreciation when something or someone helps you out. I believe that. It’s done me good so far.

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    My Daisy don’t look at me quite so mean.

    It’s been a week of strange goings on round here. Coincidences are abound in my little corner of Hillam. It’s making your fellow here a little uncomfortable. I’m not really one for superstition, I reckon about 90% of all things are coincidence, its a raw old coincidence that I was in a bar taking a drink on my first ever trip to London back in 1964 and the most beautiful lady I’d ever seen walked through the door. It was a bare coincidence that she was stood up by some fellow who must have been the stupidest bloody idiot in the world. It just so happened that she sat down there next to me, ordered herself a whisky sour and caught my eye. From then on we start going into a little more design. It wasn’t coincidence that I suddenly felt that I had the ability to talk to this stranger. I had to talk to her, I had to know one way or the other. I had to watch her laugh and hear her stories. I had look into her eyes as they skipped up and down from her drink and her hands, flicking down and then back, holding my gaze for a moment before jumping away. It was no coincidence that neither of us can really remember what we said that night. We weren’t really talking with what we were saying. We were sharing something much more than what we were saying. We were sharing it whenever we locked eyes.

    You know when you find yourself in these moments, when your talking to someone and you’ve been talking to them all night and you’re laughing and joking and revealing yourself far more than you normally would. There’s always that slow transition toward physical intimacy. Sure, this transition is demarcated by big, sudden steps. But these are often not the real moments of risk. By the time you get to the point where you put your arms around their waste and pull them into you, when your kissing and your foreheads are touching, when you pull just a little away and breath heavily together and open your eyes. By that time, you both know this is happening, you know that the other is feeling the same thing.

    But that all starts with the silliest little pretences, where you let your leg just rest against theirs and act as if you didn’t even know it was happening, even though your entire body feels it. The little spot where the two of you are connecting. When you unnecessarily touch their hand to illustrate some story or other, you hold onto it a little longer than you need to, you know that you’re barely hearing your own words, you can barely remember what excuse you found for touching their hand. They look in your eyes, you try so hard to read the gaze. Or maybe you just know. You prolong the physical contact and bring your hands back down to the table or as it was that night, the bar, and you let them stay together. Two are now one. That’s the moment of risk. It’s not the kiss in the moonlight, it’s the hand on the arm. It’s not when you kick the bedroom door closed, its the brush of the leg. The little touch to the shoulder they give you as you walk around a corner. As if you need help to get around a corner! Just need that little guidance to navigate the nightmare of the 90 degree turn. These little touches can look patronising or odd or out of place. But they’re all just love, or the yearning for it. The yearning for contact and togetherness. These are the true moments of vulnerability.

    This morning I drove out to Doncaster to pick up my very own Miss Daisy. I used a Doncaster Airport parking website thing to get a good place for the van. The world is hard to navigate. Theres so many people out there. Far more than there are parking spaces at a bloody airport. With finding that special person you have to accept that a lot of it will be chance, a lot of it will be coincidence, you just have to try and get yourself ready to take that chance when it comes along. No website can get rid of that situation. And neither should you want one too. But with parking spaces, I’ll accept a little less chaos and a little more certainty.

  • What Makes Hillam Special?

    Other day I was down The Cross Keys drinking a beer. You needn’t know more than that about that. I was minding my business. As I always do, because it is mine. Then someone walked in who I could tell was not particularly local to these parts. A real foreigner. Now I’m not saying she was from York or nothing, but at very least she was hailing from down Burton Salmon way or something like that. She had a little bit of the big city about her you know? You could smell it on her from the moment she walked in. That’s if you took the trouble to sniff her of course. I always make sure I smell a young lady when she walks in The Cross Keys, it’s polite you see. Also, it lets you know what you’re getting yourself in for.



    Sally with her favourite sock.

    So I’m sitting there at the end of the bar by the door. It’s where I tend to sit so I can keep an eye (and a nose) on the comings and goings of the place. It’s my place you see. I don’t own it, nor do I really know the people who do own it. Nor do I actually go there particularly often. Nor to I feel any particular kinship with the other people in there, or with the staff, or with the atmosphere of the place. I don’t associate with it really and I don’t tell anyone I drink there and I don’t speak to anyone who drinks there and I don’t allow the wife to drink there and if anyone asks I tell them it’s a waste of space and time and bricks and mortar and beer and food and people and life. But it is my place you see. As a Hillamian.


    No. A Hillamian.

    So I was sitting there in The Cross Arms, minding my own business, smelling the passers by and that, when this women walks in, from some far away village. She starts clapping and shouting you know, as these folk tend to, talking about her life and her times and her adventures and her life and her times. Going on about her mother and her father and her brother and her sister. Saying ‘oh I once drove in a car which only had 2 wheels’ and all this fancy talk. Anyway, after a while I tells her ‘Oi, I don’t know where your from, but could you keep it down a little there? This place was fine before you, and I think it’ll be a little better when you’ve gone’. She looked me up and down, and said ‘You Hillamians, you think your better than everyone, but what’s so special about Hillam? Eh? Can you tell me? Can you actually say what it is that is so special about Hillam????!!!’ She gave me a long cold look. I stared straight back>

    ‘Nothing’ I said.

    I had one more nice, long smell. And I left.