Peace and The Storm

“I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was a footloose man
No, you can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need”

From ‘You can’t always get what you want’

By The Rolling Stones

Peace comes after a storm, as much as before. Once the scars are healing and we can look around the battle field and survey our failures. Once we find our routines have taken us along a few weeks and we are thinking of the fight less, if at all. Then we can remember the storm, by choice, as that which happened to us and we happened to do. So it is, and so it shall always be.

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There are times when you want, when you want something with an inescapable unavoidable and unmanageable want. But it all passes, and we once again learn the lessons that are taught by passing time. Such as the important difference between emotional intensity and emotional depth. Feeling something intensely does not make that feeling deep, or meaningful. And the intensity of your feeling toward someone does not make them special or important. Often, when you are attacked by an intensity of feeling toward someone, it is much more about you than it is them. Intensity may transfer into depth, but it really does not require it.

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I have been, as you know,  preparing for winter. Going down the route of some sort of wood pellet burner. I’ve been considering going out further into the world of biomass though. I just have this desire now, a desire to prepare, a desire to look forward, a desire to survive and be aware of my surviving. I’m not planning on leaving the grid and becoming some hermit in a forest somewhere because I feel weak and vulnerable and fear dependence.

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Back again?

I just want to feel that, at least partially, I am surviving independently. So I began doing further research into biomass and stumbled upon  a few forums. In these forums people were discussing sustainability, self-sufficiency and biomass. But I sensed in many conversations that were also sharing something else. We were sharing in a common reality and a common experience and purpose. We had all come to be here because we wanted to change, we wanted to change our environment, we wanted to take control of something bigger than us. And in doing so attempt some control over ourselves. If you can give your self a gift. If you can create something for yourself. Why can’t you then give yourself happiness? Why can’t you create happiness for yourself?

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Why can’t you indeed. I’ve tried before. I tried working my way up a career ladder and every weekend having barbecue’s at my house. I’d have all these people round and I’d pour money into getting better and better barbecue’s, I’d pour money into getting bigger steaks and burgers and all the things you could imagine. I thought I had a ‘passion’ for barbecuing. I would obsessively clean the thing, I got so good at it I almost started freelancing for a bbq cleaning business as I could make any barbecue look and cook like it was brand new. It was complete obsession. I just thought that if I could master the barbecue I could master life. If only…

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